Nurturing Hope and Finding Support After the Loss of a Baby
‘I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.’ A phrase no parent ever wants to hear. An average of 13 babies a day die in the UK before, during or shortly after birth. It is estimated additionally that around 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Every day families are devastated by the loss of an often longed for baby.
My first son Finlay was stillborn at full term in 2020, there is no known reason as to why this happened. At the moment it was confirmed that he had died, I was catapulted into a world nobody wishes to enter and one I was not fully aware of. I did not contemplate that a seemingly perfectly healthy baby could die towards the end of a pregnancy without complications. It felt like our world had ended, the pain was persistently raw and the loneliness unimaginable. I recognised quickly that we could not survive the loss of our precious boy without support.
There are a number of types of baby loss – miscarriage, molar pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy, TFMR (Termination for Medical Reasons), stillbirth and neonatal death. There are commonalities between all types of baby loss but equally aspects which make them unique. Every bereaved parent is an individual who comes with different life experiences and the way they grieve the loss of their baby is personal. It is therefore vital that there are different avenues offering support which parents can access.
Sands (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society) is a charity which aims to reduce the number of babies dying and provide support to anyone impacted by the loss of a baby. Locally, we have a branch called Aberdeen Sands that support families across the North East. Aberdeen Sands is run by a team of volunteers, all of whom have been directly impacted by baby loss, mainly bereaved parents. Some of the volunteers are trained befrienders. Sands befrienders know first-hand the pain of baby loss and undertake training to support others in a similar situation.
Aberdeen Sands hold support meetings monthly which are held in CLAN Aberdeen from 8-10pm. There is a main meeting held on the 1st Thursday of the month which is for anyone impacted by babyloss. On the 3rd Wednesday of the month there is a meeting for Pregnancy After Loss support. There are additionally meetings held in Banff & Buchan and Moray for families in those areas. The meetings are a confidential safe space which is relaxed and informal with no judgement. Bereaved parents can come and speak as much or as little as they want to, often taking comfort from being alongside others who understand. These meetings are open to all parents; from those bereaved recently to those long ago. There are additionally options of receiving support on the phone or via email. There is no time limit on the support offered and parents can begin accessing this at any stage following their loss.
Memory making is very important for families. When a baby dies, the number of tangible memories is sadly limited. Aberdeen Sands provide our local bereavement unit, Rubislaw Ward (in Aberdeen Maternity Hospital), and Dr Grays Hospital in Elgin with various items to support the initial memory making. Families are offered a Sands memory box which includes hand prints, footprints, a knitted blanket, a certificate and two teddies, one which stays with the baby and another with their family. These boxes are treasured by bereaved families and often added to as they continue to make memories linked to their baby through the years. They provide memory cards, printers and papers so families can go home with printed photos of their baby. Additionally, Aberdeen Sands support the upkeep of the bereavement rooms and supply toiletry items to make the stay of bereaved families as comfortable as possible.
Part of the work of Aberdeen Sands is around awareness raising and fundraising. This is something parents often choose to participate in in memory of their baby. Aberdeen Sands participate in the Celebrate Aberdeen parade each year, marching down Union Street with charities from across the area. Sands provide training for professionals in order to increase their understanding and improve the care received by families; usually a bereaved parent shares their story at these events and this is often deemed the most meaningful part of the day. Aberdeen Sands have been working closely with the team behind the Baird Family Hospital, which will replace the currently Maternity Hospital, in order to ensure that the voices of bereaved parents were heard to support the design of the bereavement area of the new hospital as well as supporting with funds to add special furniture, resources and touches to the rooms. Fundraisers such as a yearly Beetle Drive and other events such as Ladies Nights help to raise vital funds.
Aberdeen Sands arrange a range of events throughout the year. Babyloss Awareness Week runs from 9th - 15th of October and for the last few years, Aberdeen Sands have hung wooden hearts on a tree in Hazlehead Park, each with the name of a precious baby. As part of this, they hold an event in the marquee where families can go for refreshments and a chat at this poignant time. At Christmas time two remembrance services are held – a quiet service and a family service – in the chapel at ARI. Each year a Christmas party is held for bereaved siblings.
When a baby dies before or shortly after birth, parents experience the loss of not only their baby but what their future should have been. From seeing a positive pregnancy test, parents imagine what the years ahead will look like. Not just a little baby but a toddler taking their first steps, a child on their first day of school, a young adult graduating university, their wedding day, grandchildren and so much more. The death of your child goes against the natural order, someone is always missing and they are always remembered. Through Sands, parents often state that it’s the club that they never wanted to be part of but they are so grateful it exists now they need it. Bereaved families will always be warmly welcomed.
Links you may find useful:
Aberdeen Sands - this blog has just given a flavour of what support can potentially be offered. Please see the website for contact details and more information.
Aberdeen Sands Facebook page - this is kept up to date with information about meetings, fundraising and events.
Sands website - information about the national charity.